Getting married and having my two babies in my early thirties has fulfilled two of my biggest dreams in life and given me a deep sense of fulfillment. Yet still, I struggle with maintaining contentment in my life on a day to day basis. Why is this?
I have realized recently that I am not alone - it's part of the human condition to always want more, to strive for what we don't have.
Part of the struggle for me is I've always been ambitious - looking for the next project to complete, a new something to conquer. It's probably why I've gotten 3 degrees in mostly unrelated fields.
Right now, a dream I'd like to see fulfilled is to be debt free. I also would like to see my husband's dreams of owning his own business come to pass. My third big dream is that I would be able to be a part of an adoption ministry or even start one.
I find myself planning and searching and conniving on a daily basis how I can make more money at home and how I can build a multimillion dollar business (ha ha) all from the confines of my little abode (nothing wrong with building a business, right?). But the Lord has been speaking to me, both through others and in my own spirit, saying, "Learn to be content with exactly where I have you in life right this moment." Reality is, I have my hands full with two beautiful babies that I adore!
If there were anything in my life I wish I could go back and change, it might have been my attitude toward my single life. It was such a struggle to trust the Lord to make my dream to have a family come true, because it just took. sooo. long.
All I had ever wanted since being a teenager was to be a great wife and mom, but God clearly didn't have that in my plans at 23 when I was newly graduated from college. In fact, I took an assignment to do missions work in Mexico for 3 years and there was almost no opportunity for dating.
During that time, He spoke clearly to me and told me that I wouldn't meet my husband for a few years. Of course, I questioned this word and I even told my mom about it - who wants to wait until they're older? I finally rejected that I had heard this and strove to meet the man of my dreams through my own plans. It always happened, either I was quickly disinfatuated or they were just not into me. Through my job as the director of public relations at a Christian college, I had access to meet just about any goodlooking guy I wanted there under the guise of "needing them to attend a photoshoot". hehe. Not that I ever actually did this, of course...ahem. ;-)
I even tried internet dating which was quite an interesting experience. But ultimately to spend hours or maybe weeks on the phone talking to somebody only to know shortly after walking off the plane to meet someone that it wouldn't work out, seemed somehow unfair to both of us. Not to mention expensive for him. So I gave that up after about six months.
I prayed intensely in my twenties. I fasted. At times I got mad at God. Yes, I can remember yelling at God sometimes when a relationship didn't go anywhere or there was not a single guy anywhere in the horizon. What was God thinking? Did He forget about me? Did I do something wrong? Was this to be my trial in life - to learn to be content as a single person forever? "Please, God, no." I remember pleading.
I had times of great faith. Then there were times I was tempted to compromise my values and settle. And there were a couple of times that I dated guys I knew deep in my heart, were NOT for me. There were times in my late twenties when I just got so tired of waiting. So desperate to make my dreams come true. So confused and open to hearing the lies of the enemy. I think the Lord must have been looking down at me at times with pride and at times with great sadness, wondering why I didn't just believe Him.
I struggled with God through these times, but ultimately I let Him win.
I knew only He would bring the right man into my life. The man who would make me want to settle down, the man who would love all my idiosyncracies. The man who was God's plan for me. And at the right timing, after He had done the work He needed to do in me. After He got us both to the place where He wanted us, we would meet. I'm not going to go into the discussion of whether I think God has just one person picked out for us to marry, but I'll say that I believe with all my heart that Walt was the man God meant for me and vice versa.
Oh, if I could go back and live with contentment during those single years! I feel like I accomplished things personally and lived such a full and exciting life, yet, I always let discontentment creep in because of the dreams that were yet to be fulfilled. I didn't believe Him fully yet.
I'm about to start Beth Moore's Bible Study "Believing God" and it's all about learning to not just believe in God but to believe Him and what he says. I still need to believe. There's still more unbelief in my heart that needs to get out. Until I believe EVERY word He says and it's alive and active in my life, there's more. It seems like every Christian I know has some areas where it's easy to believe God, but then we all seem to have a certain area or areas where we find it hard to trust God.
I don't want to look back on my thirties and think I wish I had been more satisfied with where I was during this time. I want to be content with every single minute of this wonderful life I have. I prayed when I went to law school that even though I was taking on the school debt, He would provide a way for me to stay home with my kids when they were babies one day. And He did. He is faithful.
I think my struggle is typical of many other people's as well. We live discontented with where we are, always waiting until this or that happens, and then we can sit back and relax and enjoy. Only that's not what happens. When we get what we think we really want, we still want more. I think it has to do with that emptiness in our hearts that only God can fill. As long as we believe and try to fill it up with anything besides God, it will result ultimately in emptiness and more vain striving to fill that void. Once we discover that He is what our hearts truly desire and longs after, we will be content.
So I encourage anybody reading that may have unfulfilled dreams that you are trusting in God's hands. Give them back to Him. You really can trust Him with them. And be content with where you are today. Plan for tomorrow, but be content and focus on being all you can be right where you are today.
And, if you are struggling in an area with God, it's okay. Keep struggling and don't give up until your spirit is in tune with God. I think God wants us to work through these struggles. He knows how hard it is. But ultimately He wants us to get to the place where we can rest in Him and His provision and His timing in all things.
I'm setting aside my dreams of us owning a business and being debt free for now. Yes, we are paying off debt, but a little more slowly than we'd like. And owning a business? There is absolutely no way in sight for us to reach that dream. That's okay though, because I know that these dreams are safe in the hands of the one who gave us these dreams.
And right now, I'm focusing on these two little beautiful babies in front of me with runny noses and dirty diapers and tons of kisses. I'll enjoy every single minute I have with them because I know He holds the future, including every single dream I've ever had and ever will have. And He's trustworthy.
I have realized recently that I am not alone - it's part of the human condition to always want more, to strive for what we don't have.
Part of the struggle for me is I've always been ambitious - looking for the next project to complete, a new something to conquer. It's probably why I've gotten 3 degrees in mostly unrelated fields.
Right now, a dream I'd like to see fulfilled is to be debt free. I also would like to see my husband's dreams of owning his own business come to pass. My third big dream is that I would be able to be a part of an adoption ministry or even start one.
I find myself planning and searching and conniving on a daily basis how I can make more money at home and how I can build a multimillion dollar business (ha ha) all from the confines of my little abode (nothing wrong with building a business, right?). But the Lord has been speaking to me, both through others and in my own spirit, saying, "Learn to be content with exactly where I have you in life right this moment." Reality is, I have my hands full with two beautiful babies that I adore!
If there were anything in my life I wish I could go back and change, it might have been my attitude toward my single life. It was such a struggle to trust the Lord to make my dream to have a family come true, because it just took. sooo. long.
All I had ever wanted since being a teenager was to be a great wife and mom, but God clearly didn't have that in my plans at 23 when I was newly graduated from college. In fact, I took an assignment to do missions work in Mexico for 3 years and there was almost no opportunity for dating.
During that time, He spoke clearly to me and told me that I wouldn't meet my husband for a few years. Of course, I questioned this word and I even told my mom about it - who wants to wait until they're older? I finally rejected that I had heard this and strove to meet the man of my dreams through my own plans. It always happened, either I was quickly disinfatuated or they were just not into me. Through my job as the director of public relations at a Christian college, I had access to meet just about any goodlooking guy I wanted there under the guise of "needing them to attend a photoshoot". hehe. Not that I ever actually did this, of course...ahem. ;-)
I even tried internet dating which was quite an interesting experience. But ultimately to spend hours or maybe weeks on the phone talking to somebody only to know shortly after walking off the plane to meet someone that it wouldn't work out, seemed somehow unfair to both of us. Not to mention expensive for him. So I gave that up after about six months.
I prayed intensely in my twenties. I fasted. At times I got mad at God. Yes, I can remember yelling at God sometimes when a relationship didn't go anywhere or there was not a single guy anywhere in the horizon. What was God thinking? Did He forget about me? Did I do something wrong? Was this to be my trial in life - to learn to be content as a single person forever? "Please, God, no." I remember pleading.
I had times of great faith. Then there were times I was tempted to compromise my values and settle. And there were a couple of times that I dated guys I knew deep in my heart, were NOT for me. There were times in my late twenties when I just got so tired of waiting. So desperate to make my dreams come true. So confused and open to hearing the lies of the enemy. I think the Lord must have been looking down at me at times with pride and at times with great sadness, wondering why I didn't just believe Him.
I struggled with God through these times, but ultimately I let Him win.
I knew only He would bring the right man into my life. The man who would make me want to settle down, the man who would love all my idiosyncracies. The man who was God's plan for me. And at the right timing, after He had done the work He needed to do in me. After He got us both to the place where He wanted us, we would meet. I'm not going to go into the discussion of whether I think God has just one person picked out for us to marry, but I'll say that I believe with all my heart that Walt was the man God meant for me and vice versa.
Oh, if I could go back and live with contentment during those single years! I feel like I accomplished things personally and lived such a full and exciting life, yet, I always let discontentment creep in because of the dreams that were yet to be fulfilled. I didn't believe Him fully yet.
I'm about to start Beth Moore's Bible Study "Believing God" and it's all about learning to not just believe in God but to believe Him and what he says. I still need to believe. There's still more unbelief in my heart that needs to get out. Until I believe EVERY word He says and it's alive and active in my life, there's more. It seems like every Christian I know has some areas where it's easy to believe God, but then we all seem to have a certain area or areas where we find it hard to trust God.
I don't want to look back on my thirties and think I wish I had been more satisfied with where I was during this time. I want to be content with every single minute of this wonderful life I have. I prayed when I went to law school that even though I was taking on the school debt, He would provide a way for me to stay home with my kids when they were babies one day. And He did. He is faithful.
I think my struggle is typical of many other people's as well. We live discontented with where we are, always waiting until this or that happens, and then we can sit back and relax and enjoy. Only that's not what happens. When we get what we think we really want, we still want more. I think it has to do with that emptiness in our hearts that only God can fill. As long as we believe and try to fill it up with anything besides God, it will result ultimately in emptiness and more vain striving to fill that void. Once we discover that He is what our hearts truly desire and longs after, we will be content.
So I encourage anybody reading that may have unfulfilled dreams that you are trusting in God's hands. Give them back to Him. You really can trust Him with them. And be content with where you are today. Plan for tomorrow, but be content and focus on being all you can be right where you are today.
And, if you are struggling in an area with God, it's okay. Keep struggling and don't give up until your spirit is in tune with God. I think God wants us to work through these struggles. He knows how hard it is. But ultimately He wants us to get to the place where we can rest in Him and His provision and His timing in all things.
I'm setting aside my dreams of us owning a business and being debt free for now. Yes, we are paying off debt, but a little more slowly than we'd like. And owning a business? There is absolutely no way in sight for us to reach that dream. That's okay though, because I know that these dreams are safe in the hands of the one who gave us these dreams.
And right now, I'm focusing on these two little beautiful babies in front of me with runny noses and dirty diapers and tons of kisses. I'll enjoy every single minute I have with them because I know He holds the future, including every single dream I've ever had and ever will have. And He's trustworthy.
